its breaking again

Mental purge?

I don't remember being hungry ever making me nauseous. And now, I know I'm hungry, but I feel so nauseated from it that I don't want to eat anything.

My mood probably does not help that much. People should learn not to ask questions they don't want answers to, not to push for answers when someone tries to evade them, not to get angry when they don't like what they hear, and not to start fires when try can't handle the heat.

I have a rather volatile temper. I can control it most of the time, but when I snap, it's ugly. I won't apologize for feeling the way I do. That would be lying. I may apologize for the way in which I voice those feelings. Though If i hadn't been pushed, it could have been avoided altogether.

I'm tired of being cast aside because everyone knows ill wait around. I'm that person who is replaced regularly until people get bored, and then I get called again. Particularly with relationships. I am not going to hold a grudge against those who are in them, it is my choice to not be. However, I am not okay always being the third wheel. I'm okay stepping aside for the initial "honeymoon" phase, but when I'm ignored completely unless you need something, I get frustrated. When every time we go out or try to make plans, it becomes a couple + me, I get irritated. When I no longer exist because you are too preoccupied with other people, and I'm just the back up or the one you know can't say no to helping someone out, I get furious.

I know it's my own fault. I've let myself become that person. But I'm not going to be it anymore. When you go looking for me, I may not still be around. Because while I don't have a lot of self worth, I know I deserve better than that. And I'm done waiting around.

Means my list of *real* friends just got a LOT shorter.


Guess it's time for an update?

This time though, I have a fairly good reason for not being around.

Since the last time I posted, I've been through hell. I've gone from single to engaged to losing my fiance to cancer.

Shane and I got back together. After he got really sick and ended up in the hospital. He texted me the weekend before Thanksgiving and told me he was being admitted, and asked if I'd come see him, so I did. I went home the first night he was there (they kicked me out), and as soon as I got home, he sent me a text, saying he was completely in love with me. I had some reservations since we'd broken up, but quickly realized I felt the same. He told me he'd broken up with me because he was afraid if he got sick (he has a crazy medical history) I'd get scared and run off, but he loved me so much it didn't matter. He also asked me to marry him during that stay, though he iddn't want to make anything official until

He had surgery the day after Thanksgiving, and a mass was taken from his abdomen. We found out it was cancerous a little over a week later, but the surgeon felt he'd gotten it all, and the oncologist didn't want to start an invasive treatment until we knew where it was from. (more of the crazy history) Because of the type of cancer and where it was, no one knew quite what we were dealing with. All his doctors said they'd never seen anything like it.

FF to right before Christmas, and he goes in for another same-day minor surgery. Ends up being admitted because of an infection, then sent home on IV meds that I gave him twice a day. All goes well with the surgery, unrelated to Novembers....

We went to a followup appt on Jan 4, and he was admitted again, with another infection. That was taken care of, and Shane was set to come home on Jan 12. The day before, he started getting really nauseous, and constipated, and a CT showed a bowel blockage. He spent the night throwing up, and had a nasal tube to drain his stomach put in the morning he was supposed to come home. Surgery was scheduled for Jan 15, to remove the blockage, and debulk the cancerous cells the CT also showed.

He went into surgery, and the dr basically opened him, and closed him right back up. The cancer had taken over his abdomen, and we were told it looked like someone had taken crazy glue and just poured it everywhere. It was a hard substance they couldn't get through, to remove the blockage or debulk. We were told he was terminal that afternoon. At least the rest of the family was. I wasn't at the hospital when he came out, and no one would tell me anything when I got there. A nurse accidentally said something to me.

Shane spent a week on the oncology floor, then came home to hospice care. He had an absess drainage tube in his back, a PEG tube to suck everything out of his stomach coming from his chest, and a superpubic tube to drain his urine. While he was on fluids at the hospital, he was not when he came home. He could drink anything he wanted, but it all came right out of the PEG. All his drainage tubes began leaking, what we think may have been his insides beginning to rot from the cancer.

Shane died on Feb 2. at 250pm, in my arms, and surrounded by his parents and sister, after almost 3 weeks without food, and 2 without any fluids. We had a memorial service for him in VA last Fri, and his funeral and burial in NY on Monday. We packed most of his things this past Friday.

People keep telling me this will get easier. I don't know I believe them. My life was planned out, and it seemed perfect, just over a month ago. We'd be married next spring, and have our first baby on the way by the end of the year. I can't imagine a life without him now, and every day is getting harder, not easier.


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its breaking again

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Perfection takes patience.

And patience is something I can't find right now. Once I'm done dealing with the people I work wih, I just have no patience left at all. I want it all now. Instant gratification. Because all the patience I normally have is used up on things that shouldn't be an issue at all. And I hate it.

I need to find something with some IG for this morning. My day is not off to a good start....
its breaking again


And theres the baby, right after his bath and my shower tonight. He was laying across my belly as I was answering a text, so I snapped a picture of him and my belly. I'm surprised it turned out so well.... he doesn't usually stop moving long enough to get a good clear shot.

Thats the second love of my life though. The first still being my little angelbaby (who is almost 7 now, and that just makes me feel really old....), and the third and fourth being the cat I put down in July and the cat I got in May.

So how much longer before I find a love of my life over the age of 25, with boy parts? I'm really starting to get impatient, and I need one to help me finish getting over boy-of-last-year that I probably shouldn't have gotten involved with in the first place. Not that I regret a single second of it. Just wasn't necessarily the best person for me to have completely fallen for....
its breaking again


Yeah, yeah, it didn't get posted yesterday. I took it while walking the baby, and went out right afterwards. But thats alright, see, cause I was out being a normal single person. We went roller skating, and then grabbed something to eat since I was starving, and then home where I was introduced to rockband. I'm still not quite sure how I feel about that. They tried to make me sing. Without consuming any alcohol first. Because i can't drink thanks to my antibiotics.

But the rash is finally starting to disappear.

And the rest of last night was just interesting. I don't have any other words for it. I wish I did though. Because interesting doesn't quite cover it.

its breaking again


Okay, I lied. Unintentionally though.... Todays picture is of the lovely rash across my foot. Up close it looks like pinkish red cauliflower, and it itches and burns like hell. Fear not though, it does not look like it will have to be amputated. Yet. I have antibiotics and cortisone for it. And hopefully, other than the small patch on my other leg from contact because of how I sleep, it will not spread any further.

My jerk of a sister thought it would be funny earlier to joke that I hada flesh eating bacteria, and I wouldn't have much of a foot or leg left by the end of the day. I really hate her sometimes.

Anyway, here is my nasty foot, from this morning. I didn't get to the dr til this afternoon, and by the time I did, it looked a lot worse. But thats a little more than I'm sure anyone else in the world really wants to see....

And for real tomorrow, I'll put up a real picture. Of more than just an appendage. Though I'm not entirely certain how much more....

And now back to the Sugar Bowl, where it seems my team is not doing so well.... for the season they had, this really kinda sucks now....
its breaking again


I felt like hell today. So I pretty much looked like it too. I didn't go out last night, and I wasn't drinking here, so we'll blame it on the $700 check I wrote yeaterday to have my car fixed. Not entirely taken care of yet, but at least when I drive, I won't be at risk for my brakes failing and killing me. I don't know fi I consider that a good thing or not. Point being, that's why the first pic of the year is of nothing more than my hand. I'm not sure why it looks so fat, but I'm trying to let that go.

I sent that to J, it's how we say I love you to each other, and always have. I taught her the ASL for I love you when she was about 2. She wont do it back for anyone but me now.

Maybe tomorrow we'll put up a real picture. Hopefully tomorrow, I won't still have this headache. And I might even feel like a real girl.

HAHA. yeah right.

its breaking again

drinking. and maybve a little rdunk.

so bear with me, if you tryu to read this. 

it was quite an interesting weekend. and not in the oggd way interesting. the wedding was, um, yeag. thats the only way i can put it. my fither hates me, and has sadi i'm a rude spoiled brat. just not to me. around me he wear s a fake smile. i'gve been made to rpomise that whne i get marreid, it waill not bne to an asian (i mean asian asian, not someone of asian descent.... the laotians ahjhve not intergrated themselves at all, and yeah, made a mess fo the cremony.) and thers not anyone iunder 8 allowed. exvept j, IF she can learn how to stand still. i idn't have the hear tt o tell anyoine that me fetting married at all if a BIG if, not when, and that whne i do, i think emloping is realyl rhe way to go. it was just choatoc and one fiasco afgter anotehr.

but i'm hoem now, tno that its any better here, exvept i dont have to dawl with famiyly drama. jsut the drama ithat is now my life.

byiy who wanted to stay friebds, and was ny best friend... is avoiding mye and trryinbg to slowly iwther push me out od his life or disappear from mine. he prosied that if andwhen we ende dt hisnf, it would nt xchange the friensdhup. i dint want to get involbed with him if it was going o trion that, because really, he's the onlyt person here i have taht i trust ad o9culd go to with anythning. expvcet now, i've lost my best feineds. and it almsot makes me regret all do the last year. if i'd known he wouldn't acutally be able to keep that word, i never would have fone it. and really, at this point, i'm otkay wiht it. i realize it was tofr the best, and i understand why he ended things (though i vad a feeling for a long itme that it was about to.... i think i was jsut  holding ionto teh hope that we'd get through it, kowhign we pronaly wouldn't.) i mis sthe frirnesthip part of him more htant anything else. i want taht back. i'd give up all of the last hyear to have that back.

its hot up here .i th ink si need to gho bakc donwestaist where its  a lite l cookelr.

its breaking again

I stole it. From Richelle.

Father went to college
Father finished college
Mother went to college
Mother finished college
Have any relative who is an attorney, physician, or professor
Were the same or higher class than your high school teachers
Had more than 50 books in your childhood home
Had more than 500 books in your childhood home
Were read children's books by a parent
Had lessons of any kind before you turned 18
Had more than two kinds of lessons before you turned 18
The people in the media who dress and talk like me are portrayed positively
Had a credit card with your name on it before you turned 18
Your parents (or a trust) paid for the majority of your college costs
Your parents (or a trust) paid for all of your college costs
Went to a private high school Not high school, just most of elementary school....
Went to summer camp
Had a private tutor before you turned 18
Family vacations involved staying at hotels
Your clothing was all bought new before you turned 18
or handmade, when I was a baby..... mama had the time and loved doing it.
Your parents bought you a car that was not a hand-me-down from them
There was original art in your house when you were a child
Had a phone in your room before you turned 18
You and your family lived in a single family house
Your parent(s) owned their own house or apartment before you left home You had your own room as a child
Participated in an SAT/ACT prep course
Had your own TV in your room in High School
Owned a mutual fund or IRA in High School or College
Flew anywhere on a commercial airline before you turned 16
Went on a cruise with your family
Went on more than one cruise with your family
Your parents took you to museums and art galleries as you grew up
You were unaware of how much heating bills were for your family

Wow. I don't know whether that makes me just privileged, or if it says I really was spoiled.

Fifty Book Challenge

The goal is fifty books throughout the year, though really, I want to get higher than that.... we'll see how it goes, so far, I'm ahead, but some of the books have been little or fairly simple reads.... I do have some books that will be a little more difficult to get through in the pile too, which I think makes up for the less intellectual ones....

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