This time though, I have a fairly good reason for not being around.
Since the last time I posted, I've been through hell. I've gone from single to engaged to losing my fiance to cancer.
Shane and I got back together. After he got really sick and ended up in the hospital. He texted me the weekend before Thanksgiving and told me he was being admitted, and asked if I'd come see him, so I did. I went home the first night he was there (they kicked me out), and as soon as I got home, he sent me a text, saying he was completely in love with me. I had some reservations since we'd broken up, but quickly realized I felt the same. He told me he'd broken up with me because he was afraid if he got sick (he has a crazy medical history) I'd get scared and run off, but he loved me so much it didn't matter. He also asked me to marry him during that stay, though he iddn't want to make anything official until
He had surgery the day after Thanksgiving, and a mass was taken from his abdomen. We found out it was cancerous a little over a week later, but the surgeon felt he'd gotten it all, and the oncologist didn't want to start an invasive treatment until we knew where it was from. (more of the crazy history) Because of the type of cancer and where it was, no one knew quite what we were dealing with. All his doctors said they'd never seen anything like it.
FF to right before Christmas, and he goes in for another same-day minor surgery. Ends up being admitted because of an infection, then sent home on IV meds that I gave him twice a day. All goes well with the surgery, unrelated to Novembers....
We went to a followup appt on Jan 4, and he was admitted again, with another infection. That was taken care of, and Shane was set to come home on Jan 12. The day before, he started getting really nauseous, and constipated, and a CT showed a bowel blockage. He spent the night throwing up, and had a nasal tube to drain his stomach put in the morning he was supposed to come home. Surgery was scheduled for Jan 15, to remove the blockage, and debulk the cancerous cells the CT also showed.
He went into surgery, and the dr basically opened him, and closed him right back up. The cancer had taken over his abdomen, and we were told it looked like someone had taken crazy glue and just poured it everywhere. It was a hard substance they couldn't get through, to remove the blockage or debulk. We were told he was terminal that afternoon. At least the rest of the family was. I wasn't at the hospital when he came out, and no one would tell me anything when I got there. A nurse accidentally said something to me.
Shane spent a week on the oncology floor, then came home to hospice care. He had an absess drainage tube in his back, a PEG tube to suck everything out of his stomach coming from his chest, and a superpubic tube to drain his urine. While he was on fluids at the hospital, he was not when he came home. He could drink anything he wanted, but it all came right out of the PEG. All his drainage tubes began leaking, what we think may have been his insides beginning to rot from the cancer.
Shane died on Feb 2. at 250pm, in my arms, and surrounded by his parents and sister, after almost 3 weeks without food, and 2 without any fluids. We had a memorial service for him in VA last Fri, and his funeral and burial in NY on Monday. We packed most of his things this past Friday.
People keep telling me this will get easier. I don't know I believe them. My life was planned out, and it seemed perfect, just over a month ago. We'd be married next spring, and have our first baby on the way by the end of the year. I can't imagine a life without him now, and every day is getting harder, not easier.